Vampire Squirrels!
by TiffTiff6655
Summary: Carlisle has fallen in love..with a squirrel. What does the family think? How does Esme react? read to find out. horrible summary, sorry. Read and Review. No Flames please.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

**Author's Note..**

**I'm Olivia and this is my story. It's a version of twilight. Hope you enjoy it.**

**Carlisle's POV**

"Come on, you guys are so slow. We're already late. We won't have any time to hunt," complained Emmett.

Alice was trying to pick a flashy outfit out for Bella. Tomorrow was the first day of school in Ontario, Canada.

"Please, please, please wear it," begged Alice.

I quickly rushed upstairs and dragged a thankful Bella and an angry Alice downstairs.

"But I know she'll give in soon," stated Alice.

"By that time we'll be the only people left on the Earth," I joked.

"Please hurry up, I'm so thirsty I could drink an elephant," said Emmett.

The large group of vampires rushed into the Porsche that Edward had gotten Alice. Even at the ridiculous speed the Cullens drove at, the trip took an hour and a half. Emmett and Jasper played rock paper scissors for a while. Emmett became furious when Alice told Jasper his next move. Rosalie sang along to the radio. Too bad her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. Bella and Edward were making kissy faces at each other the whole time. It was cute at first, but then it was just plain weird. Renesmee

spent the whole time calling Jacob. Their conversations went something like this(just what Renesmee said):

"Hey Jake"

"No your so cute"

"no way"

"No way"

"OMG, that is so funny"

"Ha Ha Ha,"

"What are you doing tonight?"

"Awww, I was hoping we could see a movie"

"please, for me baby"

"OMG thank you so much"

"See you tonight"

"Love you too, Jakey."

Then it would start back up again in 5 minutes. During the car ride they had about 3 breakups and 4 makeups. They were so gushy I was about ready to hurl.

Oh, and Esme spent the whole time trying to program our GPS. It took her about 40 minutes to figure out how to turn it on. Although she spent more time yelling at it than trying to get it to work. Her insults included stupid, pointless junk, waste of money, idiotic machine, and she also called it a piece of poop about 5 times. She called it a couple other more colorful words that I don't feel the need to repeat.

Finally we arrived at the hunting grounds. It was a forest just outside of Toronto full of white-tailed deer. It was a nice little woods, full of wildlife and plants of various colors.

We soon split up into groups so we wouldn't be hunting too close. I was with Esme, Rosalie with Emmett, Jasper with Alice, and Edward was with Bella and Renesmee.

Esme and I quickly ran to our area in the south corner of the forest. It looked fairly vacant. No bunny's hopped, no mice scurried, and no birds chirped.

"That's queer, the rest of thee forest seemed so full of life," I said to Esme.

"Come on, don't judge a book by it's cover. Let's try this spot for a couple minutes. If we don't find anything we'll move," suggested Esme.

"Okay, let's hunt," I replied.

I sniffed the air. All I could smell was a mouse and a bird. It wasn't much, but I was so thirsty. I crouched down and waited for the bird to fly overhead. As it did I leapt up into the air with lightning speed. I grabbed it with my hands. Then I bit it and drank the blood.

The bird was a sorry excuse for a snack and a pathetic meal. I needed more. I smelled the crisp forest air. Nothing but a mouse, which is almost a mouthful. Wait... there was something else. What is it? Then it hit me, of course, it was just a squirrel. Better than the mouse. I crouched once again. I pounced upon the squirrel(it was in clear sight.) I landed on top of it with amazing force. I snatched it up with my hand.

The squirrel was fairly skinny with light grey fur. It's ears were large and pricked up in fright. It's tail was impossibly bushy. I looked over the squirrel. It was nowhere near a decent meal. Wow...I hadn't noticed before but it's eyes were beautiful. They were soulful and sorrowful, scared yet excited. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something about this squirrel. I could not dare to eat it. I couldn't let it go either. I had to take it home with me. I had to have this squirrel forever.

It may seem weird, but I think I am in love... with a squirrel!!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Author's note**

**Hey it's Olivia. Hope you liked my first chapter because here's the second. Enjoy!! Sorry it took so long to write, I couldn't think of anything.**

Carlisle's POV

"What should I name her?" I thought to myself.

The family had returned from the hunting trip. I had gotten the squirrel home without anyone ever suspecting anything. I had ran to the post office and mailed it home. It arrived a week later.

Maybe I'll name her Roxanne. Or Annabel or Bella. Those are my three favorite names, but I had to pick one. Or I could combine them to make...Roxannabella. Yes! That was the perfect name.

"Carlisle, can I come in?" asked Bella, from behind the door.

"Just a second," I replied.

I hastily put Roxannabella in her cage that I found in the basement. It was a hamster cage that used to belong to Emmett's hamster, Bucky. Emmett had forgotten that hamsters actually have to eat. So Bucky died 5 days after we got him.

I quickly locked the hamster cage door and covered it with Rosalie's old Barbie towel. I didn't notice, but the lock on the cage door was loose.

"Come in," I said.

Bella walked in with Edward by her side.

"Do you want to come downstairs and watch the Tigers game with us?"Edward asked.

"Um..sure. Who are they playing?"

"The Yankees, they'll probably lose," she replied.

We headed downstairs to watch the game. It just started. Verlander had already struck one batter out. By the 5th inning the Tigers were down by one and Inge was up to bat, the bases were loaded. He hit a grand slam!

The family whooped and hollered like crazy.

"Your gonna need some ice, 'cause you got burned!" Emmett yelled excitingly.

"OWNAGE!!!" Shouted Alice, Jasper, Edward, and Bella.

"Something ran across my leg," Rosalie cried.

"Relax, it's probably nothing. Ohh..look, it was just a squirrel!" Emmett exclaimed and started walking towards it.

"Hey, I want it," Jasper yelled.

"I saw it first," yelled Emmett.

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Jasper asked.

"Definitely, your going down, loser!" taunted Emmett.

"Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot!!!" they both cried in unison.

Jasper held up what he had chosen, paper. Emmett showed his, a rock with his thumb up.

"ha ha ha, I won. Who's the loser now," Jasper bragged.

"what are you talking about I clearly won," Emmett replied, angrily.

"i chose paper, you chose rock. Paper covers rock,"Jasper groaned.

"I didn't put rock, I put bomb. Bomb beats everything. Everybody knows that, well I guess not every body," said Emmett, proudly.

"Oh, that's cold," gasped Alice.

"I just got burned, but I couldn't possibly get any hotter," said Jasper, "besides, there's no bomb in rock, paper, scissors."

"Oh, you know I won. Just give me the squirrel," Emmett shouted at the top of his incredibly powerful lungs.

He turned to reach for it but, it was gone. He soon saw it in my protective arms. I was holding Roxannabella very close to him.

"Please, tell Jasper that I won," said Emmett.

"No!! Neither of you can eat Roxannabella. She's mine!!!" I said angrily.

"Hey, I saw it first and you know it," Emmett made a lunge towards th squirrel.

I was to fast. I used my white-belt karate skills to kick Emmett across the room with a mighty "HAI-YA!!." Emmett hit the wall on the other side of the room. Looking dazed he got up and looked at me.

"Fine have the dang squirrel," Emmett said in a voice that reminded me of Napoleon Dynamite.

"I would never eat her. She is my love and I will protect her with my life," I replied.

The group looked at me stunned. Each one with their mouths ajar.

"Oh My God," they all said slowly in unison.

"PLOOOOFF," there was a large farting sound.

It was a loud as a trumpet. Within seconds they were all coughing and gagging on the disgusting scent. It smelled worse than when someone left milk in their locker for a month. The Cullen's quickly evacuated the house.

When they were all outside Esme said:

"What do you mean she's your love?" she asked, sounding appalled.

"I have fallen in love with her and nothing could tear us apart. I need her more than a tire needs air, more than Sponge bob needs Patrick, and more than Edward needs to take a shower," I replied dreamily.

"Wha..I mean... Wha...What are you saying? Are you going insane? Do you need doctor or something?" she said, unbelievingly.

"No, I'm fine. I'm discovering the mystery of love for the first time. I feel wonderful,"

I said.

"I don't understand, you'd rather have a squirrel than...me," she said, holding back sob.

"Yes. I have found my soul mate...and it's not you, no offense," I said.

Esme charged out of the yard and into the stinky house. Alice, Rosalie, Renesmee, and Bella followed. They each gave me the evil eye as they passed. Jasper, Emmett, and Edward followed each purposely hitting my shoulder as they passed.

"What a jerk," I heard Edward mumble to Jasper.

Then they were gone and I was left all alone with Roxannabella, my beloved squirrel.

"PLOOOFF," another atomic fart by Roxannabella.

I was left all alone with Roxannabella the farting squirrel.


	3. Chapter 6

Chapter 3- reactions

**Author's note-**

**Hey!! thanks for reading my story. This chapter is all about the families reactions to Carlisles news. Sorry it took so long, I was at my cabin all weekend. It's not as funny as the other chapters but there's plenty of laughs in the chapters to come. Enjoy!!!**

Alice's POV

"How did this happen?! Am I no better than a squirrel? I hate my life, I hate my life,"Esme said. She had been crying for over an hour now.

"It's okay! I'm sure he'll come to his senses eventually," I said trying to sound encouraging.

"ya, he's just being a jerk," Edward agreed.

"He's not a Junior Educated Rich Kid, he's COOL. A Constapated Overrated Out-of-style Loser. Giggle giggle," Emmett said, trying to lighten the mood. He did lighten it a lot with his girlish giggle. Everybody laughed at it, except Jasper.

"Ugh, your so immature!" Jasper said.

"We sat around for a couple minutes while Esme muttered that she hated her life, over and over. I took out my diary. It was pink with fuzz on it, it was covered in pictures of Ryan Seacrest and Kevin Jonas. Their so yummy, I thought to myself. I wrote about the events of the day in my squiggly cursive hand writing. Half way through my entry I was interrupted by a loud wail from Esme.

"I'm going to kill that squirrel if it's the last thing I do," she said, rolling her hands into fists.

"Isn't that a little violent Esme," joked Renesmee.

"PLOOF!"

Another atomic fart from Roxannabella. That obese squirrel was a floor higher and all the way down the hall from Esme's tiny room that we all crammed into and we could still hear and smell it!

"Why would he fall in love with that fart bomb?" Bella asked.

"Oh oh oh, I know! The squirrel is really a robot sent from Japan to destroy us. The Japanese people are going to swoop in with their ninjas and take us all prisoner! We gotta get out of here, now!" said Emmett, he sounded frightened.

"Your such an airhead...Everybody knows ninjas are from Wyoming. DUHHHH!!!" Rosalie corrected him.

"God, you two are idiots," I said.

A few minutes passed. I finished my diary entry. Bella was deep in thought, Renesmee texted on her phone, Edward doodled pictures of trees. And, of course, Esme cried.

"Wait, I'm confused. Why didn't you see this happening and why didn't Edward hear his thoughts?" said Bella.

"Oh, well I saw it but I thought I was going psycho. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry. I was going to check into the asylum on tuesday," I said, casually.

"And I just ignored his thoughts because he sounded so crazy," said Edward.

"Is that why your so stupid? I just thought you were dropped on your head as a baby," said Rosalie.

"That burn was almost a hot as me,"said Edward.

"OK, stop it. Let's focus on the problem," I said.

"Why would he pick that ugly squirrel over Esme?" said Emmett.

"It's totally bogus. I mean, if your going to fall in love with a woodland animal it might as well be cute. Like Bambii or something," said Bella.

"Hoe are we going to stop this?" I asked.

"Let's just murder the squirrel," said Esme.

"No, that's mean. How could you kill a living thing?" Jasper asked.

"Your such a tree-hugger, Jasper," Emmett said.

"Let's just take it and let it go miles away from here," said Rosalie.

"Can we get back at Carlisle?" Esme asked.

"Sure, tomorrow we'll kidnap the squirrel, let it go, then we'll get back at Carlisle," I said.

"Deal!" said everyone, in unison.

**No Flames!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

** a/n**

**Hey Olivia here. My next chapter is all about how Esme deals with Roxannabella and gets back at Carlisle. Hope your like it. Please review, give me ideas if you want, tell me what you liked and didn't like.**

**Esme POV**

This is it. The moment I'd been waiting for. Carlisle had left Roxannabella alone to get some fresh air. His room smelled like rotten eggs and ham from all of her farts. I had to wear a gas mask every where so I wouldn't upchuck every thirty seconds. Emmett had boughten the gas masks for all of us. Roxannabella was curled up in her cage asleep. I walked across the room and opened the cage slowly. Roxannabella woke up and looked at me. Then, suddenly she jumped out at me like a rabid kangaroo. She clawed at me and bit my nose. She was one fierce woodland animal, I thought to myself. He was even fiercer than Eor, the donkey from Winnie the Pooh. I know it seems dumb but he's my one true fear. He can't build his own house. So he might steal mine

I pried the squirrel off of me, and she hissed at me like this girl that used to be on my bus named Hannah, and put it in my gym bag.

"CREAK, CREAK, BAAAM!!" I heard Carlisle heading up the stairs.

"Oh ****, These **** stairs are a piece of ****," Carlisle yelled and cursed the rest of the way up the stairs.

I ran out of the room just before he got up the stairs. He was bruised all the way down his leg. He must have taken a nasty spill on those stairs. HOORAY!!!

"hello Esme," said Carlisle.

"hmph," I pouted at him as he passed.

"Ouch!! that was cold!!" said Alice as she passed us.

I walked down the stairs and into the drive way. I hurried into my new car, a lime green beetle bug with purple racing stripes. I drove a couple miles to a park in Quebec City. I let her go and watched the squirrel bound into the forest. Then I heard her. She had let out a ginormous fart. After a couple moments, all the animal within a mile of the squirrel sprinted out of the forest, coughing like they were having an asthma attack.

I quickly evacuated the area and headed home.

**Carlisle's POV**

I limped into my room with my leg throbbing. I had just fallen face first down the stairs. It was a painful experience. I filled a bag with ice and put it on my shin. The pain slowly eased away.

I turned to Roxannabella's cage. At first I thought it was empty, but then I realized that she was probably asleep under the blanket I knitted for her out of my hair. I walked across to take a peek at my love. I slowly lifted the blanket so I wouldn't wake her. I lifted the blanket up completely, but the cage was empty.

"Where is she?!?!" I said in astonishment.

I scanned the room quickly but did not find her anywhere. I sniffed th air. Her scent was there but it was stale. I rushed out of the room and into Emmett's.

"Where is she, you stupid thief?" I yelled at Emmett.

"Who?.....Hey, I'm not stupid," He said defensively.

"Roxannabella. I know you took her. You never liked her. Give her to me, NOW!!" I said.

"I didn't take her!! And stop being so mean and rude," he said.

"then who did?" I asked.

"I dunno. But I demand you say sorry," said Emmett. He sounded like he was going to cry. What a baby.

"Fine. I'm sorry. It's just that sometimes I project my own insecurities on others, it won't happen again," I said.

"That's more like it," he said, "Why don't you ask Edward or Bella, they looked suspicious lately."

I headed across the hall to Edward and Bella's room. I tried a similar approach but they denied it. Then I went to Jasper and Alice's room. They said they didn't take her either. Then I went downstairs to talk to Rosalie, she was watching the new music video, Ice Cream Freeze, by Hannah Moo-ntana(get it, Moo like a cow, cows make milk, which is in ice cream.) She was singing and dancing along(very badly).

"Hey Rose!" I yelled over the music.

"Do the ice cream freeze, strike a pose, Do the milk shake, shake it shake it down low..."She sang. I yelled a few more times but louder then she finally turned down the TV and looked at me.

"What?" she asked.

"Did you kidnap Roxannabella?" I asked.

"No. Why would I?"

"because you don't approve of our relationship," I said.

"I didn't take her. Now go away."

She turned up the TV to full blast and began to sing again. Now it was Paranoid by The Jonas Brothers.

That only left one suspect...Esme. I searched the house for the traitor, but she was nowhere to be found. I looked into the drive way. Her car was gone!!! She had stolen Roxannabella and was taking her away.

"Everyone, get down here. Family meeting," I called.

Within a couple seconds everyone was gathered around me, except Esme.

"Do any of you know where Esme is, why she has Roxannabella, or what she's doing with her?" I asked.

No one said anything, but I saw Alice squirm.

"Alice do you know anything?" I said walking over to her.

"No," she stammered, "..............Yes, I know everything. She stole Roxannabella, took her to the park, let her go and she's on her way back now."

The rest of the family looked at her with the evil eye. They all had known and were in on the kidnapping.

Suddenly we heard the crunching of gravel underneath a car.

"She's Home, and I'm going to destroy her," I said.

I lunged at the door but my family blocked me and held me back. The door opened slowly and Esme hurried inside. When she saw me she made a wild dash towards the stairs. She wasn't fast enough for me. I quickly escaped the grip of the whole family and ran at her. I grabbed her and spun her around to face me.

"Where is she?" I spat.

"Wh..Wh..Who?" she stammered.

"Roxannabella, I know you took her. Alice gave you up," I ssaid.

"Fine I took her. I dropped her off at the park."

"Take me to her," I said.

"No. I took her for your own good."

"My own good? I love her and I need her. Take me to her."

"No."

"Yes."

"no"

"yes!"

"fine, I'll take you to the park, but you have to find her."

Esme and I walked out of the house towards her car. We drove for 20 minutes then we stopped outside the park. The park was completely empty and all the plants were dead.

Esme saw my surprise and said:

"Roxannabella farted, it must have killed all the trees."

"Whatever, let's just look for her. You look in the forest I'll look out here."I said.

We split up and I headed towards the road to check there first. I walked up the road and found nothing so I headed back. Then I saw a small animal lying in the road breathing very shallow.

"Roxannabella!!!" I screamed.

The animal was Roxannabella! She had been hit by a car.

**No Flames!!!!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**author's note:**

**hey!!! So, here's my next chapter. Sorry it took so long. I was to lazy to write. Read and Review. ENJOY!!!**

**Esme's POV**

"Esme, come here. Hurry up!!" I heard Carlisle shout. He sounded worried and scared.

I hurried across the forest and to the road where I saw Carlisle hunched over the road. I couldn't see what he was looking at.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Look!! Roxannabella was hit by a car!!! She's roadkill!" he sobbed hysterically.

I looked at the limp body of the squirrel and saw her stomach moving very slightly. She was alive!!! I was sort of happy, and sort of angry. As long as Roxannabella was in the picture, Carlisle and I would never be together. I could just let him go on believing that she was dead. Or I could tell him the truth. Yup, that's what I have to do.

"Carlisle, look. She's breathing. See?" I told him, I could hardly believe that I actually told him that she was alive. Now we could never be together.

"Your right! But she won't be alive much longer. What should I do?" he asked, I could tell he was desperate for ideas. Just then I saw his face light up

"I know what to do." he said.

"What are you gonna," I paused mid-sentence suddenly realizing what he meant.

"No, you can't. It's...It's...not right. You can't," I pleaded with him.

"Yes I can...and I will," he said. His voice sounded bold and determined.

"Please don't. That has to be animal abuse or something," I said.

"You can't stop me. I know what I must do...I must turn Roxannabella into one of us," he declared.

"Please," I whispered.

"No, there's nothing you can say to stop me," he said, he picked up Roxannabella's limp and lifeless body (eeewww) and turned to walk to the car.

"Well, how about...ickadopalsnorkasoraus," I said.

"Uhhh...I don't know how to respond to that,"he said, but kept on walking.

"How about, um...there's a ladybug on your back," I said.

"EEEEEKKKKK," Carlisle let out a girlish shriek, " get it off, get it off, get it off!." He pleaded. Of course, he wasn't afraid of touching a dead squirrel body, but a ladybug scares the poop out of him.

"Haha, I was just kidding, Hahahahahahahahahahaha......but, really, don't do it," I said.

"Ugh, your so immature. But the jokes on you...you haven't stopped me and you never will," he said in a snotty voice, a voice I would expect from someone named Tiffany(no offense to any tiffany's reading this). He shoved past me and into the car with a hmph.

He started the car and drove off. I turned to get into my car, but then I realized that Carlisle had taken my car. UGH!!!!!

So, now I was stuck 35 miles from home, surrounded by the smell of farting road kill, and there was no way I could possibly stop Carlsisle now. Perfect.

**No Flames!!!**


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